Tarantula Rival Exposed in Documentary

Dr. E. Q. Ignatius, our Prime Commander’s former university bunkmate and one of his longtime rivals for global domination, is the subject of a radio documentary by the UK’s QXJ News, sources reported Monday.

In the piece, which Web site Newsworthy Ghost Island describes as “examining the true life stories of minions for a megalomaniacal genius,” reporter Clive Vanderhaus interviews various employees of Ignatius’ island-volcano lair before gaining unprecedented access to the inner workings of the Doctor’s facility.

Ignatius was “never one to shy away from the stereotypical image” of an evil genius madman, said A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. Prime Commander Igor Tarantula M.D. “He even seemed to encourage that sort of description.”

The Prime Commander added that the documentary served as “a welcome-mat for E. Q.’s enemies,” but that some of the security measures mentioned in the piece, such as robotic crocodiles and quadruple-redundant camera systems, were admittedly “food for thought.”

“That sort of internal information is usually kept tightly controlled,” said A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. operations manager Jason Ellsworth. “I can’t imagine why [Ignatius] would have consented to the interview.”

While strategists debate the value of the tactical intelligence gained from the documentary, some of the information about working conditions on Ignatius’ island is reassuring to A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. senior missileologist Amber Huntsman.

“I’m glad A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D.’s monorail connects to the city Metro,” she said. “Imagine riding a ferry to work every day.”

The documentary can be heard online here.