Presenting: EXPENDABLE.
Enjoy.
P.S. Here’s an interview with me about the film as well!
A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. Motivational Video
A henchman-motivational video from John Cannon, A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. Chief Sadist and head of human resources.
Employee Testimonial: Tyshawn Green, Cannon Fodder
Part 3 of the “A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. Voices” series.
Tarantula Rival Exposed in Documentary
Dr. E. Q. Ignatius, our Prime Commander’s former university bunkmate and one of his longtime rivals for global domination, is the subject of a radio documentary by the UK’s QXJ News, sources reported Monday.
In the piece, which Web site Newsworthy Ghost Island describes as “examining the true life stories of minions for a megalomaniacal genius,” reporter Clive Vanderhaus interviews various employees of Ignatius’ island-volcano lair before gaining unprecedented access to the inner workings of the Doctor’s facility.
Ignatius was “never one to shy away from the stereotypical image” of an evil genius madman, said A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. Prime Commander Igor Tarantula M.D. “He even seemed to encourage that sort of description.”
The Prime Commander added that the documentary served as “a welcome-mat for E. Q.’s enemies,” but that some of the security measures mentioned in the piece, such as robotic crocodiles and quadruple-redundant camera systems, were admittedly “food for thought.”
“That sort of internal information is usually kept tightly controlled,” said A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. operations manager Jason Ellsworth. “I can’t imagine why [Ignatius] would have consented to the interview.”
While strategists debate the value of the tactical intelligence gained from the documentary, some of the information about working conditions on Ignatius’ island is reassuring to A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. senior missileologist Amber Huntsman.
“I’m glad A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D.’s monorail connects to the city Metro,” she said. “Imagine riding a ferry to work every day.”
The documentary can be heard online here.
November News Items
• Due to recent incidents, new security protocols are being enforced at all complex entrances. You will now be required to show a photo ID. For your convenience, ou may affix your own photograph to your ID badge.
• All delivery trucks will now be randomly searched with undercarriage mirrors. No passengers will be allowed to cling to the chassis, as A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. regulations stipulate that all riders must have working seat belts.
• All receipts submitted for reimbursement must be accompanied by a detailed expense statement and description. Next-of-kin filing posthumously are encouraged to specify a joint account for crediting.
Lichtenfeld Raised To Top Tactical Position
Prime Commander Igor Tarantula M.D. today announced the promotion of Oleg Lichtenfeld from Senior Vice President to President of Tactical Operations.
“Oleg has a long career in the field and he is destined to bring honor and glory to our organization,” the Prime Commander said before a meeting of high-level executives.
Lichtenfeld previously served as Executive Director of Tactical Field Operations for Von Cancer Industries before coming to A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. in 2002. Since then, the Tactical Operations unit has increased its combat efficiency by 5% or more each year.
“I am thrilled and privileged to serve my Prime Commander in this capacity,” Lichtenfeld said in an emotional statement. “Our first order of business will be to destroy all enemies that still stand between us and our triumphant victory on the battlefield.”
In response to a question, he also reluctantly pledged to “thoroughly investigate any allegations of corruption that may arise.”
The Tactical Operations unit manages all maneuvers for the Field Operations, Covert Operations, and Internal Operations departments. Lichtenfeld takes over the position from the late President, Otto Nessburg, who died of apparent natural causes while skydiving.
Spiders Play Hard; Jaguars Take Softball Pennant
The A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. intramural softball team played a heated championship game against the Sinistrex Jaguars on Sunday, but center fielder Ray Gardner missed the catch that would have put them over the top.
The Spiders led 3-2 going into the bottom of the seventh thanks to a pair of doubles by Harvey Pierce and Justin Wynick. Sinistrex pitcher Inchutl Tchescohapepatlan gave up an additional hit before being replaced by closer Chaxrndl Chzitchlatinitlan, who shut the Spiders’ offense down for the remainder of the inning.
In the bottom of the seventh, Spiders closer Keith Mack walked one and gave up a single to put Pichctl Xachmitchatitlan in scoring position. Gardner ran for Tachxch Ischtxchtlan’s high fly to center but came up inches too short. The Jaguars’ 4-3 win is their second walk-off victory over the Spiders this season.
“Sun, sweat, you always have an excuse, and all that mattes is the catch,” Gardner said.
Prime Commander Igor Tarantula M.D. vowed vengeance against Sinistrex before dissolving Gardner and Mack in the East Compound’s acid tank.
Attack Thwarted; Prime Commander Vows ‘Vengeance’
An attempted terrorist attack on the North Compound was prevented last night by the vigilance and quick thinking of A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. junior associate Clayton Powell.
Four armed insurgents identified as CIA covert operatives and carrying high explosives were able to breach the North Compound security perimeter sometime after midnight, reports indicate. A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. alarm systems had been temporarily shut down for maintenance at the time, said chief maintenance technician Les Jarvis.
“We had a scheduled outage for repairs,” Jarvis says. “We tried to pick a time when few operations would be affected.
“What are the odds,” he added.
According to security reports and surveillance footage, the CIA terrorists then infiltrated the bunker east of Building 14 in the North Compound. The bunker is an access point for tunnels leading to four underground missile silos, said Jarvis.
“That is supposed to be top secret information,” he said. “How they figured it out, I’ll never know.”
Associate Powell was working late in the access tunnel when he heard voices. He opened fire with his weapon, missing the terrorists but rousing the attention of other associates nearby.
A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. security teams intercepted the intruders in a tunnel underneath Helipad B-1. Three of the terrorists were captured for interrogation. A fourth is presumed killed by a blast that collapsed the tunnel and destroyed key components of a missile launching system.
Associate Powell has been missing since the attack and was not available for comment.
In a statement, Prime Commander Igor Tarantula M.D. denounced the attack as a “shocking attempt to cripple the world’s next superpower.” He also praised the courage and selflessness of A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. security associates and renewed his vow of vengeance against the imperial powers of the industrialized world.
The damage to A.R.A.C.H.I.D. facilities is estimated at fifty million dollars. Nonetheless, missile launch coordinator Miles Randall remains optimistic. “When we have a deadline, we get things done, or else,” he said.
Eighty-four A.R.A.C.H.N.I.D. personnel were killed in the incident.